Saturday, September 13, 2008

What Next?!

Brats? In a vending machine?! Are you friggin' kidding me?!?!

Let me start this entry by confessing two things. First, the other day, I thought I had a bright idea. As you'll soon learn, it was an idea, but it wasn't very bright. And second, I'm a food snob. I admit it. I have some foods about which I am absolutely an elitist. One of those foods is bratwursts. But I'm jumping ahead.

The other day, I had lunch with a friend downtown (Connecticut and 18th.) I decided after lunch that I would walk home. It was a beautiful day; no humidity, temps in the high 70s, slight breeze. My route of choice was Connecticut Avenue to National Zoo, then cut through the zoo and come out on Beach Drive. From there, Beach Drive to 16th Street via Blagden. If you could see a map of D.C., you'd think "sounds okay." Yeah. Not so much. By the time I hit Blagden, I had to call a friend to come and get me because my plantar fascitis was screaming.

That said, though, had I not walked almost home that day, I wouldn't have walked through the zoo. And if I hadn't walked through the zoo, I wouldn't have run across what you're seeing in the picture above: a bratwurst dispenser. Let me repeat, bold, and color that:


You know that saying, "Just when I thought I'd seen it all..."? Well, this is the pinnacle for me. A vending machine that dispenses brats is just beyond the pale of what constitutes cuisine and offends my elitist sensibilities regarding what constitutes a brat and how it should be served. Frankly, if I was Germany or Austria, I'd go to war with us over this culinary offense!

There you have it. My snobbery vis-a-vis brats and the thing of all things that I think will at last be the thing I can say with finality, "Just when I thought I'd seen it all..."

Photo copyright: D.C. Confidential, 09/08


Mary Jo said...

Sometimes its sad, but you made it funny at same time!

Virginia said...

I am not so much worried about the brat as the bun. EWWWWWW! You know it's all soggy or something. Also, could you get onions and all that stuff? Probably nothing that did n't come in those hateful little platic packs. Yep, the brat dispenser was a mistake.

Wayne said...

I predict it will be a dismal flop. How hungry would you have to be to take a chance on getting baked goods out of a machine?

Having said that, I suppose if they used those buns they serve at McDonalds they'd last in a machine like that more or less indefinitely.

Some Einstein up here invented a french fry dispenser and tried them in colleges. They didn't last long.

Hilda said...

LOL! You should go to Tokyo and see what they sell using their vending machines. I think we'll see more large, all-caps, colored text. :D

janeannechovy said...

Since I'm just about to make gourmet corn dogs for my book group, this tickles me no end. :)

D.C. Confidential said...

MJ: After something this abhorrent, all I have left is humor! Actually, truth is, I'm known for my ability to rant without being bitter. That said, though, brats in vending machine make me bitter.

VJ: Yeah, ewwwwwwww is right! I don't even want to think about the buns and the condiments and all that other stuff. It's just too horrifying to contemplate.

Wayne: One can only hope it will flop. As for fries in a vending machine... Well, that's just yuck. It deserved to fail!

Hilda: Seriously?! I always think of the Japanese as trendsetters and healthy eaters. I can't imagine what they dispense in vending machines? Sushi? Miso soup? Do tell.

JA: Yes, but the difference here is, you're actually going to make your corn dogs. You're not going to run out to the zoo and buying 20 dogs from a vending machine. Your corn dogs I would eat. These zoo dogs, no way!

USelaine said...

LOL! Well, except for the part about plantar fasciitis. I get that too, but it usually doesn't hurt until my feet hit the floor the next morning.

I recommend the bratwurst from the living person vendor downstairs at the Esaki train station in Budapest. I like mine glurped over with non-dijon mustard. No relish, no onions.

USelaine said...

Okay, that's "északi pályaudvar", in deference to your Hungarian diplomatic corps readers.

D.C. Confidential said...

USElaine: See! Live, in-real-time brats are infinitely better than vending machine brats. And sometimes, the best kind of brat is, as you described it, a naked brat!

marley said...

This is too funny! Well, that really is an invention too far!

D.C. Confidential said...

Marley: Isn't that horrible?! It would equivalent to a machine in Britain that dispenses bangers and mash or fish and chips. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

pierre l said...

Would you believe it if I sai=d that I enlarged the picture and tried to find a child lurking next yto the machine. After all, in the UK, one definition of a brat is "A child, especially a spoiled or ill-mannered one".

D.C. Confidential said...

Pierre: That's funny! Over here, we call spoiled child brats, too. But alas, this is brats (braughts), as in bratwursts! I'd be afraid to take a picture of a child misbehaving. Their parent would probably yell at me!

Maya said...

Well, I wholeheartedly agree with you on this one!

pierre l said...

That's a very good point. I thought "child", as I was starting my comment, then went to look up the definition. Taking any pictures of children, except your own, is very frowned-upon in the UK. I hadn't realised that the word was pronounced differently, and am amused by my confusion.
I have also been reading you 9-11 posts; very moving and lovely. I remember the day as well (it would have been around 2PM here).

D.C. Confidential said...

Maya: As a sister of Germanic descent, I knew you'd agree with me on this one. The whole brat-in-a-machine leaves me feeling faint. (Or maybe that's the cold. It's hard to tell right now... No... It's the brat thing.)

Pierre: I probably should have just continues spelling out brats to bratwursts. That's the German in me, I guess.

I've been hearing a lot lately that photographing children in the UK is cause for practical hysteria. On the one hand, I understand. I think if I had kids, I wouldn't want a total stranger snapping pics of them. On the other hand, it's estimated that only 4% of the population meets the psychological definition for pedophilia. My point in that is, that means that 96% likely mean no harm to children and are just delighted by them and their antics.

Thank you for your comments on my 9/11 posts. It, along with the 11th of March 2004 and the 7th of July 2005, will remain etched in my mind forever.